One time not so long ago we were all just fine speaking in full words. If we were referring to someone in conversation we were alright with taking the time out of our day to say both their first and last names. Then one day a coked up Hollywood P.R. guy thought it would be cute to cut the ever cumbersome Jennifer Lopez into a three letter media kleidsdale. And ever since then everyone from US Weekly to colossal conglomerate mortgage banks have been smashing syllables together in an apparent declaration of war on the English language.
It went from the aforementioned JLo almost immediately to Bennifer. Lindsay Lohan became LiLo and that scientologist and his kitten became TomKat. K-Fed, Vaugniffer, piss, piss, piss. This mayhem may have hit it’s pinnacle when, going to check my email, I noticed the Yahoo entertainment brief with the headline ‘Press Goes Brangelooney.’ Yahoo, it’s nice that you are able to convey that the media is in a tizzy about impending Angelina Jolie – Brad Pitt nuptials that were rumored to be taking place at George Clooney’s mansion in a mere twelve letters but it kind of misses the point when nobody understands what the fuck you are talking about. (I guess they did their job by enticing me to read on, however I only read on due to the fact that the most important word in the headline was completely made-up) Whenever I hear people talking in this madness I like to think of a 1950′s soiree in Manhattan, socialites sipping martinis while men in tuxes take drags from cigarettes. The conversation turns to old Hollywood. “I often say the most elegant, beautiful couple I ever laid my eyes on was undoubtedly Bamphrey.” All attention is squarely on the speaker, “Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart? Anyone ever heard of ‘em? Helloooo? You call yourselves socialites?” shouts a dolled-up old buzzard as she throws her drink into the fireplace and storms out.
If only this practice were relegated to the Hollywood gossip rags, it may be tolerable, but alas it has seeped into the advertising and marketing sectors thus thrusting itself upon us from every passing bus, taxi cab and highway billboard. Snickers has leapt at the opportunity to smash words together in it’s most recent print ads. It’s there trusted brown border but instead of the word ‘Snickers’ they put fused words in there that I am most certain 85% of the folks in this country can not decipher. ‘Satisfectellent’ reads one. I guess there saying Snickers is a mix of satisfactory and excellent. Basically they’re saying Snickers is pretty good. Then there’s ‘substantialiscious’. That’s the mixture of substantial, delicious and an ad executive losing his job. Finally, they come with the big dog. ‘Hungerectomy’ read the side of a bus passing in front of me. I could just see the advertising pitchman talking to a table of starched shirts and pantsuits, “See our candy bar is like the surgical operation that removes a woman’s uterus, but with peanuts and caramel.” Silence. Slow clapping makes way to standing ovation.
But you know as well as I that no cool trend has truly gone full circle until the big old financial services sector sticks their dick in the pot. Remember Washington Mutual? You know, the old Washington Savings and Loan Association? Oh my bad, you know it as WaMu. “Hey everybody, it’s your old investment buddy, WaMu.” Chill out bank. The only thing I want out of you is to not get fined every time I bounce a check, I don’t want you as my buddy. “Hey Pat, you want to go grab a bite?” “Who is this?” “It’s me, WaMu.”
I like MB Financial. They wanted to deliver a clean, concise message to their prospective customers of why they should consider banking with them. ‘Better. Simpler. Easier.’ Hey, I like all of those. Sounds great. But wait. They don’t say that. They say, ‘Betsimpsier.’ Evidently they wanted to take the three most important virtues that make them stand apart from the rest of the banking world and squish them into a word that personifies the exact opposite of what each of those words stand for. I bank with Chase. Have you seen there ads?
Chase: The Bradgelina to WaMu’s K-Fed
